Feeling Lonely After a Breakup? How to Turn Loneliness Into Self-Growth
Back in 2012, I met a wonderful human being while working a summer job coaching brand-new teachers. He was kind, funny, and intelligent. A talented educator who was generous with his time and energy. Little did I know that within three months, he wouldn’t just become my boyfriend—he would become my best friend, my partner, and eventually, my husband. By 2017, we were married. And by 2022, we were divorced.
The divorce itself was devastating, but one of the hardest parts of the process wasn’t just the loss of the marriage—it was the loss of my best friend of ten years. When he left my life, it felt like a massive void had been ripped open inside me. His absence was inescapable. The loneliness wasn’t just something I felt—it became something I lived in. It surrounded me, weighed on me, and at times, nearly consumed me.
I tried everything to fill the emptiness—mindless social media scrolling, picking up new hobbies, packing my schedule with social outings. And for brief moments, I felt okay. But then, the loneliness would creep back in.
In theory, I was doing what I was “supposed” to do, especially after a break up / divorce - So why wasn’t it working?
Hanging out with friends, pursuing new hobbies, staying busy—these are all beautiful activities. Ideally, they invigorate and energize us. If we’re lucky, they inspire us. But I wasn’t doing them to expand myself or cultivate joy. I wasn’t trying to engage with life—I was trying to numb myself to my own feelings. I was using them as a shield. A distraction. An escape.
For example - if you’re spending time with someone out of desperation—hoping they will fill the emptiness inside you—that need can be felt, even if unspoken. And it changes the energy of the interaction. The same went for all the hobbies I was trying to pick up.
And the thing about avoidance is that it doesn’t actually make the feeling disappear—it just buries it for a while, only for it to resurface even stronger later. The more I ran from my loneliness, the more power I gave it over me.
If you’re feeling lost in loneliness right now, I want to offer you a new perspective: What if loneliness isn’t something to fear, but an invitation to grow?
Understanding Loneliness After a Breakup
Loneliness after a breakup can feel unbearable, almost like a physical pain that lingers long after the relationship ends. And there’s a reason for that. Studies have shown that the brain processes social rejection and emotional pain in the same way it processes physical pain—activating the same neural pathways. This explains why the feeling of loneliness after a breakup can feel so overwhelming, even suffocating.
Breakups create an emotional void. Your brain and body were wired to expect connection, routine, and companionship with that person. Now that they’re gone, your system is trying to adjust—but it doesn’t happen overnight. If you're feeling this way, it’s not because something is wrong with you—it’s because your brain and body are processing a major loss.
Loneliness after a breakup is natural. But what you do with it determines whether it keeps you stuck or helps you grow.
[Disclaimer: This post contains links to products I believe to be useful to the reader, from which I may earn a small commission, at no extra cost to the reader]
The Difference Between Being Alone vs. Feeling Lonely
Many people fear being alone because they confuse it with feeling lonely. But the truth is, they are not the same.
Being alone is a physical state. You’re by yourself, without external company.
Feeling lonely is an emotional state. You can be in a room full of people and still feel disconnected.
Loneliness isn’t about the absence of people—it’s about the disconnection from yourself.
That’s why keeping busy, filling your schedule with distractions, or jumping into dating after a breakup doesn’t always work. If you don’t heal the root cause of your loneliness, it will follow you into your next relationship, friendship, or social event.
How to Turn Loneliness Into Self-Growth
Step 1: Admit You Have Been Running From Loneliness
The first step is to recognize that you've been avoiding loneliness rather than facing it. It’s okay. We all do it. Whether it’s scrolling endlessly on social media, throwing ourselves into work, or even dating too soon after divorce, distractions help numb the discomfort.
But avoidance only prolongs the feeling. Instead, acknowledge that loneliness is present and choose to sit with it instead of running from it.
Step 2: Reflect on Your Relationship With Loneliness
Journaling is one of the most effective ways to process loneliness and reframe how you see it. Before trying to “fix” the loneliness, ask yourself:
Why do I run from loneliness? What am I afraid of feeling or realizing?
What does being alone make me believe about myself?
How do I want to change my relationship with solitude?
Who would I be if I were no longer afraid of loneliness?
If loneliness had something to teach me, what would it be?
Click here for more journaling prompts on understanding, processing, and befriending loneliness.
I highly recommend using The Five-Minute Journal for self-reflection or purchasing a big journal like this one. (I’ve gone through five of them! lol) It’s a simple yet powerful tool that helps you build a habit of daily introspection, gratitude, and intention-setting.
Step 3: Sit With Loneliness Instead of Escaping It
This is where true transformation begins. Instead of distracting yourself, face loneliness head-on.
Here’s my challenge for you: Turn off the TV. Put your phone on airplane mode. Cancel your plans. And just sit.
Find a quiet place—by a window, in a park, or even on your bed—and simply breathe through the loneliness.
When the discomfort arises, don’t push it away. Instead, repeat these mantras and quotes about being alone to yourself:
Loneliness is not a punishment; it’s an invitation to connect with myself.
I am safe in my own presence.
I do not need external distractions to feel whole.
The more I sit with this, the faster I will heal.
Click here for 30 journal prompts to complete to embrace loneliness.
At first, this might feel unbearable. But if you can commit to doing this for just 10 minutes a day, then 20, then an hour, you will be amazed at how quickly your tolerance builds and soon loneliness becomes a friend.
Loneliness is only painful because, as children, we interpreted it as rejection. But now, as adults, we have the power to redefine solitude as self-connection.
Step 4: Build a Life That Feels Fulfilling on Your Own
Once you stop fearing loneliness, you can start creating a life you genuinely enjoy—without needing a relationship or external validation to feel whole.
Instead of filling the void with finding love after divorce, start dating yourself first (Link). Explore new hobbies, travel alone, take yourself to dinner, and rediscover what makes you feel alive.
If you’re feeling lost in life and don’t know where to begin, I created a free Survival Guide: How to Rebuild When You Feel Lost to help you navigate this transition with clarity and confidence.
✨ Click here to download your free guide.
Final Thoughts: Loneliness Is a Portal to Transformation
Loneliness is not a punishment—it’s an invitation to evolve. When I finally stopped running from loneliness, my life changed in ways I never imagined:
I confidently say yes or no to plans because I no longer fear solitude.
I am almost never bored because I have built a life filled with authentic hobbies, passions, and interests.
I stopped emotionally eating because I no longer use food to fill an emotional void.
I am okay when plans fall through because I truly enjoy my own company.
This period of solitude isn’t about suffering—it’s about stepping into the most grounded, powerful version of yourself.
If you’re struggling with this transition and need deeper support, I offer 1:1 coaching sessions to help you navigate loneliness, rebuild self-trust, and create a life you love.
📞 Click here to book a coaching session.
Let’s turn loneliness into self-growth—together.
