How to Find Myself Again After Loss: Rebuilding Your Life with Self-Love
I remember the exact moment my divorce started. It was, without a doubt, one of the most physically and emotionally painful experiences of my life. My heart felt heavy—shattered, even. The pain was so unbearable I had to clutch my chest just to breathe.
And I went through most of it alone.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks: “Holy shit, I am alone.” And when you feel like you’ve lost everything, that realization is terrifying.
I didn’t just lose physical things—my apartment, our shared belongings, our lifestyle. Worse, I lost something even deeper: my identity. For so long, my future had been intertwined with my ex-husband. I genuinely couldn’t picture a life without him. And that was the scariest part.
And here’s the thing—I was successful on paper. I had a bachelor’s degree in chemistry, a master’s degree in science education from a prestigious university, over 10 years of professional experience, promotions, and strong personal skills. And yet, none of that mattered when my self-worth was built entirely on my relationship.
In that moment, my brain went into full-blown survival mode. And honestly? That was a valid response. It might not have been the healthiest reaction, but it was what my mind believed was necessary for survival. My nervous system perceived the loss of my relationship as a life-threatening event.
I wasn’t just mourning a person—I was mourning the entire future I had envisioned. My identity, my safety, my plans—all of it felt like it had been ripped away overnight. And because my mind believed I was in complete danger, I spiraled into worst-case scenarios.
The same imagination that once allowed me to dream of beautiful possibilities was now being used against me, painting terrifying, hopeless visions of my future. My thoughts weren’t just dramatic—they were my brain’s way of trying to protect me from uncertainty by preparing me for the worst.
But here’s the truth I eventually learned: Survival mode is not meant to be permanent. It’s a bridge, not a home. And once I realized that, I knew I had a choice—to keep living in fear or to rebuild from a place of self-trust and self-love.
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The Psychology of Losing Yourself in a Relationship
Did you know that losing a significant relationship can trigger the same neural responses as physical pain? Studies show that heartbreak activates the same areas of the brain as physical injury. That’s why it feels so unbearable—your brain literally perceives it as danger.
For me, this wasn’t just a metaphor. My nervous system was in full-blown survival mode. Every moment felt like life-or-death because, in my mind, I had lost my foundation.
Why Do We Feel So Lost After a Breakup?
Our Identity Was Tied to the Relationship
We build routines, habits, and even our self-worth around our partner. When they leave, it feels like a part of us dies.
Society Glorifies Speed Over Healing
Ever heard the phrase “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”? Society pressures us to move on quickly, instead of actually processing our pain.
We Have Unconscious Self-Vows That Keep Us Stuck
Without realizing it, we commit to beliefs that don’t serve us:
❌ “I need to be in a relationship to be happy.”
❌ “If I don’t move on fast, I’m failing.”
❌ “I’ll never love myself as much as someone else could.”
The Truth? You Can Rebuild. But It Starts With You.
How to Rebuild When You Feel Lost
I figured out how to rebuild. It was hard in the moment, but it is completely doable. Given that I had very few close friends (about two or three people I talked to regularly) and no family support, I had to do it completely alone.
And if I did it, you can too.
That’s exactly why I created this Free Guide on How to Rebuild When You Feel Lost—so you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
✨ Click here to download the free guide. ✨
This guide walks you through the foundational steps to rebuilding your life when everything feels like it’s falling apart. It includes strategies for emotional processing, rediscovering your self-worth, and anchoring yourself in a new purpose—one that is truly yours.
📚 Recommended Books for Heartbreak & Self-Discovery. Sign up for an Amazon Kindle Subscription for these books as well.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson - This book helped me understand the deep emotional wounds of abandonment and how to work through them step by step.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle - A powerful memoir that helped me redefine self-trust and recognize the importance of living life on my own terms, not based on societal expectations.
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach - A game-changer in teaching self-compassion, this book guided me through accepting myself fully, even in the midst of pain and uncertainty.
You Are Worthy of a Life That Feels Like Yours Again
You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to have it all figured out. But you do have to choose yourself this time. No more building your life around someone else—this is about creating a life that is yours.
✨ If you’re ready to take this journey, let’s do it together.
📞 Set up a 1:1 coaching call with me here.
💡 Download my Self-Vows Digital Workbook to rewrite your self-commitments here.
Sending you love and energy. You are so worthy of peace, healing, and joy. ❤️
