How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating and Release Shame for Good (Part 1)
The Weight of Shame: My Story of Infidelity and Self-Forgiveness
This is a multi-part series on releasing shame and forgiving yourself for cheating. Subscribe here to stay updated with more from this series.
I was 27 when I married the man of my dreams. I envisioned a lifetime together, filled with love, commitment, and unwavering trust. But for reasons that went far deeper than just dishonesty, I had an emotional affair. And when my husband found out, he wanted a divorce.
The shame was immediate and unbearable. Not just the shame of having lied, but the shame of getting caught, the shame of breaking my vows, and the shame of my marriage ending. I told myself horrible things:
You don’t deserve to live.
You should hide forever.
You are worthless and pathetic.
The guilt consumed me. I moved to a new neighborhood where I knew no one. I deleted all my social media accounts. I ignored texts and calls from friends who were simply checking in on me. I thought that if I hid long enough, maybe I could outrun my shame. But I couldn’t.
Then, something changed. The other day, I posted a video titled “What I Learned from Having an Affair and Getting Divorced” on TikTok. I shared my story, openly and honestly, with thousands of strangers.
How did I go from crippling shame to confidently talking about my past online?
It wasn’t easy. But I learned how to forgive myself for cheating, and you can too.
[Disclaimer: This post contains links to products I believe to be useful to the reader, from which I may earn a small commission, at no extra cost to the reader].
Step 1: Own What You Did—Without Excuses
The first and hardest step is accepting the full reality of what happened.
I had to write it down, speak it out loud, and say it to myself in the mirror:
“I cheated on my husband. I lied. My actions caused him pain.”
It was brutal. But the suffering didn’t come from what I did—it came from my refusal to face it head-on. Every time I tried to justify it, avoid it, or downplay it, the shame only grew. The moment I fully owned my actions, I took back my power.
How to Accept What You Did
Write it out in a journal. Be brutally honest about what happened. The Five-Minute Journal is a great tool to develop a daily habit of self-reflection. But if you really want to unload, consider buying a journal notebook like this and go hard on fully expressing your true thoughts and opinions. I’ve gone through 6 of them in the last 1.5 years!
Say it out loud to yourself. Acknowledge it without sugarcoating. I triple dog dare you to look in the mirror and say it….
Talk to a therapist or trusted confidant. Getting it outside of your head is key.
This part is painful, but necessary. Shame loses its grip when you stop running from the truth.
Step 2: Separate Your Actions from Your Worth
Here’s the truth: You are not a bad person. You are a good person who made a mistake.
We tend to label ourselves based on our worst actions. But one mistake does not define your entire character. The ability to feel shame means you have a moral compass. You care. And because you care, you can grow.
Reframing the Narrative
Instead of “I am a cheater,” say “I cheated, but I can change.”
Instead of “I am a horrible person,” say “I made a choice that hurt someone, and I am learning from it.”
Instead of “I don’t deserve happiness,” say “I deserve the chance to heal and become better.”
If you struggle with self-compassion, Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff is an excellent book to help rewire your inner dialogue and release shame in a healthy way.
(Or sign up for a kindle account for even more access to the amazing books that can help you on your self forgiveness journey - your first 30 days are free!)
Step 3: Talk About It—Shame Thrives in Secrecy
One of the fastest ways to forgive yourself after cheating is to talk about it.
I know—this sounds terrifying. But the more I talked about my experience, the more my shame lessened.
When I finally opened up to trusted friends, I saw something surprising in their eyes: compassion, not judgment. They weren’t excusing what I did, but they saw me for who I was—a human being learning from a painful mistake.
Step 4: Create a Plan to Break the Pattern
A person who cheats without self-reflection or accountability is likely to repeat the behavior. But a person willing to do the work can absolutely change their destiny.
How to Make Sure It Doesn’t Happen Again
Identify what led to the affair. Was it avoidance? Loneliness? Lack of communication?
Develop better coping strategies. If temptation arises, what will you do differently?
Create a new commitment to yourself. Integrity isn’t just about others—it’s about self-respect.
Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping is an insightful book that helps break the cycle of self-sabotage and guilt, making space for true change.
Step 5: Find Tools That Support Your Healing
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but the right resources can help:
Guided Meditation Audios for Letting Go of Guilt – A powerful way to quiet the inner critic and reframe negative self-talk.
Weighted Blanket – This was a game changer. It helped me regulate the nervous system and ease anxiety during the healing process. It also feels like I’m being hugged, which is so nice.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson – A book that deeply explores self-worth and how to rebuild confidence after loss.
Get the Free Guide: How to Rebuild When You Feel Lost
If you’re struggling to find your way after loss, I created a free survival guide to help you rebuild step by step. This guide walks you through practical strategies to regain your confidence, let go of guilt, and move forward with self-trust.
✨ Click here to download your free guide.
Final Thoughts: Shame Won’t Fix You—But Self-Love Will
You do not deserve to carry the weight of shame forever. Mistakes do not define you—your response to them does.
The fact that you feel guilt means you care. But guilt should be a teacher, not a prison. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting—it means learning, growing, and choosing better.
You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to find peace. And you are allowed to move forward.
If you need help navigating this journey, I offer one-on-one coaching sessions to guide you through self-forgiveness and self-trust.
Let’s rebuild, together.
